I have to admit something awkward. I have a frenemy. Or maybe I should call it former-friend-now-aquaint-enemy. But I guess that’s a little too long. I feel like a bad person for it, but I can’t help but wonder if most people have some version of this.
We do have a lot of similarities, even if it took us different times to get there. She left Christianity first, and I got out of the partying scene quickly, but we both ended up there either way. We’re both early twenty somethings that have awful follow through and, at least the last time we talked, not great self esteem.
There’s still some latent hurt from our actual friendship, and now I can read her blog and Tumblr and judge her for the same weaknesses I see in myself. I end up thinking some mean thoughts while trying to drown out the small voice reminding me that I’m not so different.
“Oh look, you posted about getting healthy and making your own blog, then suddenly stopped. Looks like someone’s fallen off the wagon!” Well Rachel, you’re also having trouble with eating habits, and you’ve missed more than a few of your Monday/Friday blog posts.
“Ugh, more posts about nails. How shallow.” And you secretly want to be stick thin…
“You’re not going to finish your accounting degree and going to beautician school instead? How stupid!” Mhmm, and how’s that grad school application going?
Ok, yes, this really only functions to make myself feel better. Just when I think I’ve broken myself of the habit, I find myself punching in the address to her blog to go do some more judging.
If I really think about it I don’t actually wish her any ill will, and occasionally think about leaving a nice comment to try to start up our friendship again, but with all of the history and space between us I just don’t think it would make much difference.
So I’ll continue feeling like a bad person but still doing it anyway, but at least now I can say I got it out in the open. That makes this all ok, right?